he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
