I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
