highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
