last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
