i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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