I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My vagina is very pro this idea
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