I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
