We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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