life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
