3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
