I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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