Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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