I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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