I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
