Porn is love you can see.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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