I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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