Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She bit a glass in half.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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