Your mouth is God's brothel.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
