so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
