that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
