take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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