She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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