Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
