I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
