I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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