i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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