I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
