this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
