I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
