I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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