@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
