i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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