i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
