i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
