I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
