I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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