I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
