somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
