There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
