my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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