i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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