I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
