dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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