Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
