Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
