i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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