I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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