my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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