Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
