So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
