Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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