Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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