If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
