if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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