i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
