Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
