Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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