Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
