someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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